Whispers and Words

Itinerent Existence

I go from place to place without a real home. There is so much faith and trust I am putting out on the world that I will be supported. That somehow all of this will workout. That I left home without a plan, without my car moving on a journey towards what I felt and new inside to be intrinsically “right” for me.

And the journey has brought newfound awareness, an ability to see and own lessons in my life. Could I have stayed in one place and really seen. Really looked at myself in my life. Sure, I suppose I could have. But when everything else falls away in life, no home to clean or constantly fix up, no relationship, no job, nowhere to look but within. At that which remains at the core of the cyclone. A whirling of all potential distractions, drama, and supposed life and then there is the eye of the storm, a place of perfect calm. It’s always there and from this vantage I want to pull out the debris of crap not yet left in the wake of my life. What does my storm continue to carry? Could I spin and move through life without all the dust, doubt, fear, self criticism whatever I have picked up that blocks my view of reality?

Yes, is not a get ‘er done in a day project. But I found the greatest remedy so far, speaking my truth.

I have heard it all my life in so many different formats that it had lost its significance. Really I lost the ability to trust my truth, to trust myself. A few decisions that led to pain and then listening to others advice on how to be me. No one knows what that looks like other than myself. Why do we think we have answers for anyone else? If you have gotten to a place where you are seeking an answer to a question you have already vocalized and thought about, then you probably already know your answer. It just isn’t what you wanted, thought it would be. The truth can hurt, but it also heals.

I spoke my truth, a secret I had kept. And as everything came out I saw that I could trust myself again. I really saw and forgave myself for not being ready, not knowing another way to deal. Now I know different, and can start listening again, trusting the voice that speaks from my heart.

I can keep it on a load broadcast channel, a voice that calms through the storm of life. The spinning of indecision and distrust into commitment and hope. While I may not have a home. I have a center, which maybe is better because it moves with me everywhere and nothing and no one can knock it over, burn it down, sweep it away. It’s the foundation of my soul.

Advertisements

One thought on “Itinerent Existence

  1. “Why do we have to listen to our hearts?” the boy asked, when they had made camp that day.

    “Because, wherever your heart is, that is where you’ll find your treasure.”

    “But my heart is agitated,” the boy said. “It has its dreams, it gets emotional, and it’s
    become passionate over a woman of the desert. It asks things of me, and it keeps me from
    sleeping many nights, when I’m thinking about her.”

    “Well, that’s good. Your heart is alive. Keep listening to what it has to say.”

    The Alchemist

    P.S. Welcome back

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s